Here and Now

"Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment."
Buddha

At some point, we all dwell in the past, some more than others.   The past can be disappointing, regretful, bittersweet, memorable.  The past can be painful and have severe consequences, or it can be the highlight of our life, and hard to let go.

I have had so much lost in the past.  Career paths rerouted, regretful decisions, friendships severed, words misspoken.  I use to dwell on these things often.  I use to feel sorry for myself.  Could of, should of, would of....Didn't.  I also have loved, lived and been proud of my past.  Highlights of my past cross my mind frequently and bring back feelings of accomplishment.

The future is exciting, scary, unknown, and often dreamt about.  We set our goals in the future, make changes for the future, and sometimes put off the undesirable for a future time. We brag about our future, complain about the future, over plan for not only our future but our loved ones future as well, and worry about the overall future for everyone.

We all have both a past and a future worth dwelling on and reminiscing about .  

Some say the future isn't promised, of course the future could be lost at any moment, death is a clear indication of that. But what if those future events, good or bad, that consume us were kept in the future and not set on a pedestal or agonized over. 

What if past hurt was geniully forgiven, previous obstacles overcame and chapters closed?

This post sounds deeper than it is intended to be, I really just wanted to write LIVE IN THE MOMENT...but I thought further elaboration on my thoughts, would have a better effect.

I am not enjoying everyday as I should, and I know that is because every day I do not live in the moment.  I do not appreciate the things right in front of my face.   I do not see the humor in my children's mistakes, or take the valuable lessons out of them every time as I should.

I look forward to so many things, and miss out on far more.  The thoughts "when they are older...in the new house...next summer..." have fogged my head and not allowed me to enjoy THIS age, THIS home, THIS summer. 

I want my children to enjoy now, tomorrow, yesterday...living in the moment will give them a wonderful past. present and future.   

It sounds so easy, and for some it is not a challenge, it comes natural and is their way of thinking.  I am not one of those people.  I dwell, I anticipate and I have a hard time seeing what is, it is a challenge for me to enjoy here and now, but the reward is well worth the work. 

Living in the moment will create a better past, less regrets (or maybe more enjoyable ones), and lead to an optimistic future.  Seeing what I do have, should outweigh what I don't, and sacrifices will soon become my past, less important and just a small piece of the puzzle of my life.

My house is messy today as it is everyday, and feels like it will never be clean.  I use to have a cleaning lady to help me, because 7 people making a mess and 1 person cleaning is a horrible math problem.  I could feel bad for myself, or I could pick up what I can, take care of the important things, and appreciate my children while they are here making a mess...because soon my house will be clean...and quiet, and I will miss this mess more than anything.

Such a trivial thing for me to worry about...but these are the things that consume me, and I am sure sometimes you as well.  We worry, hurt, become angry, over excited, analytical about things that have happened, or will happen, instead searching for the good, the happy, the once in a life time, that is today.


So now that I have over stated my opinion on the topic, I am going to go live in the moment..

Fear not...I have chocolate.

I have enjoyed writing for as long as I can remember.  I am not the most grammatically correct writer and often my writing is simple.  I was never a good student, but writing was one of the few things that got me excited in class, I loved the opportunity to be creative.

Since deciding to share my writing with other people, I have found the passion that I have been searching for.   My friends. family and even some of you that have read my blog have probably recognized my constant quest for happiness.  I have blogged in the past about writing being my passion, but because of my insecurities, I haven't fully embraced my love for words.

Yesterday I was reading this post http://daddydoinwork.com/happy/

(seriously go read it...its good)

It opened my eyes.  It made me understand that everyone has fears, and that we can chose to either grow from situations or stay exactly the same.  Stay scared, stay unhappy, stay unsure. 

Mostly my writing is sarcastic and comical, not because I am trying to be a stand up comedian, but because by nature I look at life in a humerus way. There are much funnier blogs out there than mine, I would not win the funniest blogger award, nor am I trying to...although I would gladly accept it if offered to me.  I appreciate writers who are witty, original and have something worth reading, but I do not want to be them, I want to be me and hopefully offer some of those same attributes. I'm not overly vulgar, or create funny ecards, I don't share crafts or recipes (unless you count  my sangria share).  Not because these are bad things, vulgar can be funny, ecards can offer a good chuckle, crafts are fun, and (many) recipes are delicious, those things are just not me.  

I have a lot of things to share, things that I haven't opened up about, my life, my ideas, my concerns.  I want this to be a platform where I can freely express who I am, as well as a forum where other people can contribute and connect with my stories, rants, and experiences.  I am scared, but I think if I stay true to who I am, what I want to achieve and what I believe in, this blog can be a beautiful thing.

Some days I may tell a story, a funny story because I have 5 energetic, noisy, outspoken kids, and have still have not learned how to successfully manage being the perfect partner, stay at home mom, and run a household.  Other times I may post something deep, like the fact that being a "replacement" mom to my 3 daughters who lost their birth mother is one of the hardest undertakings I have ever pursued, and affects all of us, and how I pray every day that their mother would be proud of me or how I cannot understand how my biological daughter is so well adjusted, intelligent and optimistic despite the poor choices I have made.  Sometime I want to post things that you, my readers, want to hear about.

So now that I have gotten my writing fears, and ambitions out in the open, I am ready to move forward.

The other day on my  facebook  page, I asked my friends to suggest topics for me to write about, things that they wanted to read about.  One person responded, snarkfest, another mom blogger whom I think is wonderful :)  She ask that I write about chocolate, because like most of us, she loves it.  Now I assume she was joking when she offered the topic of chocolate, however, I asked for ideas and she gave me one!

Since she offered her suggestion I have been thinking A LOT about chocolate.  I've been wishing  it were Easter, so I could go buy a giant chocolate bunny and bite the ears off and then talk about the bunny and laugh because it couldn't "hear me" and then laugh more because it's not a real bunny and that's just silly (all by myself of course, because who would do this in front of other people?).  But mostly I just wish I could eat a huge chocolate bunny.  Chocolate is the only food, that I know of, that can be formed into animals, people, or other random objects and considered "cute" to eat.  Could you imagine going to dinner and your steak being in the shape of a person...that's just sick.

I also realized that there are foods that would suck without involving chocolate as an ingredient:

-S'more's... without chocolate I would not want some more.

-Kit-Kat bars, and most other candy bars.  Kit-Kats in particular would be pretty lame though.  I don't think anyone says "I am really craving a crispy wafer today"  

-Chocolate chip cookies. Chocolate chips are kind of a big deal for these guys.

-Pretzels, Strawberries and Banana's should always be smothered in chocolate

-Hot CHOCOLATE. If you aren't adding chocolate you are just drinking water (unless you have more money than me, and can afford to use milk, then you are just drinking warm milk...and if you are older than 2, that's gross)

-M&M's. These cute little guys would be pretty shallow without their main ingredient, and I am pretty sure that Candy Coated shell involves chocolate as well...so they would basically be extinct...what a terrible thought.

The list could really go on, because frankly I would put chocolate on just about anything, so to me any food that doesn't contain chocolate is lacking.

Chocolate is used to bribe, as a reward and to console.  It comes in different flavors, forms, and temperatures.  You can drink it, eat it, and even pay a lot of money to bathe in it (I would recommend going to one of those fancy spa's, could you imagine how many bottle's of syrup you would need, and the clean up!).  How many other food are this diverse? 

Like, Snarkfest,  I too love chocolate, so when asked to write about, I thought why not! I hope this is what my friend was hoping for, if not, I tried.  

If you would like to suggest things for me to write about check out my facebook page and leave me a comment.  

Thanks for reading my blog, I hope you stick around and continue to grow with me.  

If you like what have read, go check out my other posts, if you like those too then you should probably be my facebook friend, and since we are friends then you should click on the little lady up top that says vote for me :) 

Different...but the same.

People always ask me "how do you do it with five??"

Five children is really no different than one, or none.

My five children keep me busy, make me happy, stress me out, cause confusion, make me laugh, make me cry, and fill my heart, mind and soul with goodness and sometimes other not so happy feelings.  One child can do these same things.  A job, a parent, a partner, and even a struggle of some sort can have a similar affect on your life. 

Each day is a balancing act regardless of your calling.

Like most, I tend to forget this when I am consumed by my own life.

I think how hard simple things like going to the store can be, or how every time (and I mean everytime) I go out somewhere, I get stared at and asked in a shocking tone "ARE THEY ALL YOURS??".  Some days I laugh it off, other days this question strikes a cord with me.

Yes five are more expensive than one, at times louder than two, on occasion messier than three or even ten but no different than none.

Those days when someone with none feels consumed with joy by the love they share with a spouse, a friend or a family member, I too have.

Those days when someone with one feels alone and defeated,  I have experienced as well.

We all have our trials, and our triumphs regardless of who or what consumes us,

I have thought "oh she has no children and doesn't get it" or "He is a man, and doesn't understand"

She may be suffering in a way that I have never felt.
He could have the weight of the world on his shoulders.

We are all facing a challenge and may be able to relate to one another in more ways than we realize.

We all need encouragement, praise and empathy.  We all need to feel appreciated, important and understood.

I don't know how YOU do it.  Whatever you are doing.  

Seasons come and go...

I knew at some point it would happen.  Summer would eventually start to piss me off.   In the beginning its fun, sleeping in, playing outside, watching movies, vacations...and then it turns into a disaster.  I lose track of days, forget about lunch (aren't 2 big meal just as nutritious as 3 regular meals?), outside becomes increasingly HOT and miserable, my children transform from structured pleasant little children to "that kid" that I never thought they would be.  You know "that kid".  Who ignores you because they are over tired from a lack of a bed time, or forgets how to use any form of manners because their diets have consisted of finger foods (pizza, burgers, chicken wings, corn, watermelon...ever realize how in the summer we just stop using utensils?) and looks at you like you have 3 heads when you ask them if their room is clean...OF COURSE IT IS'NT CLEAN..they have spent more time playing in there over the last 2 months then they have EVER.

Now don't get me wrong, we have had some fun times...."summer" and I.  We have spent wonderful days at the pool, and splashed lovingly, read books as a family, and even made strong attempts at learning new things in several museums.  I even experienced some alone time with summer, and visited a place where children do not exist...this place is called Duval Street and it is magical.

Like any relationship you must take a step back and ask yourself  "is this healthy".  As my children ignored me in Target yesterday and could not grasp the phrase "stand next to the cart", as my two year old forgot how to use his legs and decided that crawling on the dust covered store floor and as my 6 year old put her face disturbingly close to the stack of apples in the produce isle... I pondered this question.

This is not healthy.

It is time for Summer and I to go our separate ways.

I need to know that in the morning when my children are arguing, spilling cereal and giving me dirty looks because they think I'm "mean" for not letting them wear THAT...that it they will be spending the day learning, playing, and complaining to someone else.  I need my job back of sending them out clean, eager and ready, asking questions when they come home, providing dinner (like I said 2 meals is my thing) taking them to practices, parties and putting them to bed.  I'm good at those things.

Summer always starts out easy, but in the end she's a real pain in the ass.  So I think its time we go our separate ways...besides I invited Fall to come stay with me soon and they say three's a crowd.

PS...if you like me, can you like my FB page and tell all your friends that I'm cool? It would really help my self esteem and maybe even inspire me to be a better writer.  Oh and if you want you can vote for my blog too by clicking the lady up to that says "VOTE FOR ME"  thanks! :)

dust yourself off and try again...

Today was not great.  I was on the verge of tears throughout the whole day.  I yelled to much, snapped to easily, judged to quick, and had almost no patience...I actually asked one of the children to stop laughing...but that was mostly because I was convinced that she was laughing at me.

It didn't help that we had 2 doctors appointments scheduled, and picked up a 3rd appointment by noon.  Sitting for extended periods of time, in a confined space with several children repeating "mommy, mommy, mommy!" is a lot like Chinese water torture.

I felt alone and frustrated today.  I felt like everything I did was wrong.  Screaming at the kids to be quiet, or telling them to use their manners while I myself was talking with my mouth full.  I could see them mirroring everything I was doing.  A bad attitude is contagious, and I was sneezing and coughing this nasty virus all over them.

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed and was taking it on the 5 people I love the most.

They were no angels either today but they are good kids.  They make mistakes, and they have bad days...wait a second...that sounds familiar...in the future though I would like us to discuss who's turn it is to have a bad day, they cannot coincide with my bad days.

OK so I guess we all kinda had a bad day...

Parent's always say there is no rule book...but I bet kids think the same thing sometimes.  Those moments where they do or say something wrong and have a real look of shock on their face, as if in their head they are thinking "OH CRAP. THIS IS BAD...MOM LOOKS PISSED" and try to get the word "sorry" out as fast and repetitive as possible.

I want to make the right choices, and be proud of myself at the end of the day, but sometimes I fail.  As do my children.  It doesn't change how much we love each other one bit, and the best part is that  the next day we get to start all over and try again.