Now I hate aging, and its freaking me out. I cant sleep at night. I catch myself saying ridiculous old people things like "jeepers creepers", "I'm not made of money" and for those who know my dad "who would do such a thing??"...I roll my eyes at myself sometimes, I can only imagine how uncool my kids think I am. Different parts of my body "ache" on a regular basis, I slept wrong the other night and had a stiff neck for a week. Whenever I go to a bar its a sad reminder that the drinking age sign has a year that I can actually remember living in, on it and that I don't need to flirt with the bartender to get a drink, and wouldn't want to because he is 10 years younger than me, and he wouldn't want me to because he knows how much older I am and mostly because I'm far beyond drinking age and flirting with him would just make me look "creepy". Instead of drinking care free, I now think about what I have to do for the next week and if a 3 day hang over is worth it, because for some reason, as I age, it takes me a lot longer to recover from bad decisions. I have problematic skin for the first time in my life, am in full denial of my "muffin top" and there are clothes that are inappropriate for me to wear...now I am "too mature" for them, and it is just as disappointing as when they were "too mature" for me.
And it isn't just me, James is aging with me. We have "programs" that we watch together, prefer fish over red meat because its lighter and doesn't make us "sleepy", and recently we decided that we want to get a credit card with points so that we can take the kids on cool vacations....we want the kids on vacation with us....
I miss the excitement of aging. Almost 5 years ago, I wrote about growing up and today, as I read what I wrote back then, it reminded me of where that excitement came from. I thought I would share what I wrote, so that those of us who are searching for the fountain of youth can be reminded of the good that comes with aging. Getting older is knowing that its OK, and that we are growing up to a better world, and choosing what we want to do, where we want to be and who we will be remembered as. So although it scares the "begeebees" outta me, I do know that growing up is a good thing.
March 20, 2008
When I was younger I wished never never land was a real place. I wanted to stay care free forever, doing things that are only acceptably done by a child. I was terrified of "growing up". Maybe it was because I had an exciting childhood, or because I was the youngest of 4 children. Whatever the reason, I always hated gaining another year.
Holidays lose that sparkle after a certain age, it’s not as "cool" to talk about an over sized bunny or actually believe that reindeer fly. Dolls that once knew all of your secrets and were taken care of almost as well as a real child begin to collect dust under your bed. Imaginary friends disappear…creativity fades. Trees are now meant for shade instead of climbing, and rocks stay on the ground instead of in your pocket.
Friends become enemies and adults that used to be your heroes soon disappoint you. Your blinders slowly slip away and the world is an ugly place. Everything that made sense to you is blurry now and you are forced to be brave.
That was the hard part of growing up.
When you actually become an adult, those things come back. You realize who you are and what parts of your life are important. Painting with your fingers sounds appealing again and nature is appreciated instead of wasted. One friend is better than a hundred, and relationships are exactly what you make of them. "Cool" only exists in your own mind, and there is no one to impress anymore. Music sounds better, food is appreciated more, and art is in everything you see. Laughing is better than drinking, talking is better than kissing… living is better than sleeping .
I’m growing up, and loving it. Things are still challenging and sometimes I’m scared but I’m excited to see where my path will lead me. A far away land full of hundred year old "children" doesn’t sound as exciting as it used to. Knowing that it’s OK to be who you are at any age is the key to a happy adulthood.
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