passion = success

I drove to South Florida on Saturday night with my mom for a friends baby shower. On Sunday I drove back to Tampa alone...Its amazing how much thinking one can do in a 4 hour car ride. Thinking almost always causes change in my life...either change of opinion or change of plans...I think this is a very normal thing, except I should probably do the thinking first and then the decision or opinion making. My last post was about the guilt I was feeling while trying to be the "best" at several things. Over the weekend I was in a few situations that made me more aware of my current life choices. One was a conversation with my mom, we were talking about the importance of having a job that works well for your family, and more specifically your children. She started telling me about when we first moved to Florida, I was 8 and my brothers a few years older, she wanted to find a job close to our schools and be able to get home in time for dinner and to help us with our homework. As she was telling the story, my mind began to drift...I started thinking back to when I was younger and how I knew my mom worked but I never thought of her as not being there. She had several jobs, sometimes 2 at a time, and even went back to school herself but she balanced it all so well. She wasn't the room mom, but she planned birthday parties, shlepped us to and from activities and always had our days jam packed with fun and usually yummy meals. She recognized every occasion and I'm almost positive invented a few holidays of her own. That thought was so comforting, it reassured me that taking an opportunity to have a successful career is OK and that balancing everything is possible. It also reminded me that my mom is wonder woman and I probably wont be as amazing. The next situation was more of a "realization". I have been in massage therapy for a little over 2 months, at 2 different schools...and since the first week of classes I have not been passionate about it. The last post I said that I wanted to finish what I started, and that even though I didn't want to be in school I was going to stick it out. I didn't want to be a quitter, or for anyone to think I couldnt handle everything on my plate. As I drove home last night I thought about the upcoming week and how much of my time was being dedicated to each area in my life. The only thing I wasnt thrilled about was the time I was applying towards school. I thought about how I enjoyed being at work, with the kids and with James. I thought about how the things in my life that I am most passionate about are the things that I am most successful at. I don't enjoy the time that I am in school for, because I lack passion for it. So instead of wasting my time and feeling guilty, I am going to focus on what I do like, and what I am good at. I am an esthetician, that is what I am passionate about. My realization was that whatever I do, I have to want to be doing it. I would rather quit and focus on what will make me happy than do something because I think its the right thing to be or have. I spend too much time thinking about what I could be doing, or could have later, instead of focusing on the opportunities in front of me and what I actually enjoy. So I am scratching student off of my list and making more time for the things that will bring me overall success. My mom was always passionate about her career, her family and everything else she was successful at, I guess thats how she did it all so well. Makes sense now...

guilty....

I should be posting this under a new blog titled: "Busier me...the story of a woman who enjoys stressing the hell out of herself and the people around her" As I have stated time and time again I am pretty busy, but I have now seemed to cram more into my hectic schedule and today is one of those days that I want to pull the blanket up over my head and shout "GO AWAY!!" to everyone. Student, employee, mommy, partner...I want to be great at all of those things but I feel pretty mediocre at each. I HATE school but for some reason I have always wanted to be a student. I dream that I am back in high school on a regular basis, the school supply isle makes my heart race and I almost always buy an absurd amount of pencils and notebooks. I have registered at too many colleges and changed career paths so many times that it looks more like a roundabout than a path. My biggest education accomplish is finishing the skin care program and now "sticking through" massage. I do not feel "educated". My daughter corrected my pronunciation of a word last night when I was administering her practice spelling test...she's 8...she's smarter than me. I wish I could be OK with this. I LOVE working, always have. I have had... no lie... over 20 jobs and I'm not yet 30. I love the idea of being part of a team, and the opportunity to shine within a group....yet I suck at sports...strange. I have been told that I am a "great employee"...however I get board very easily (hence the five children, if one is not entertaining I just play with a different one). I recently starting working at a spa, I have been going strong for a long 2 weeks, I say long because I am working 4 days a week after school and every other Saturday. I love the concept of the business and could learn a lot and eventually build a great clientele, however this cuts into my next topic...being a mommy. Because I am working almost every day I do not get home until about 8 pm every night...except Wednesdays because Kaylee and Brooke have drama (an actual class, aside from their real life drama). My long term goal is not to work while my kids are home, however I need to get my foot in and earn that privilege. A lot of people that go into my industry say they are going to set their own hours, work when it is convenient for them. This does not happen immediately. You need to have clients first and then IF you are good enough that people will plan their schedule around yours, THEN you may be able to have more flexibility. I am well aware that it takes time to have the upper hand in any career. So my plan was to work my butt off while I am in school (8 more months...8 more months....I can do it...) and hopefully once I am done have a better schedule that fits around my family. However this process is much more guilt ridden than planned. I have to convince my self every night not to rob a pet store on my way home from work (because lets be honest I'm not actually making "real" money yet) and bring each kid a puppy and a lollipop the size of their heads. I miss them so much....that usually wears off once I get the behavior report...but for that long car ride home they remain little angels in my mind. I feel selfish trying to build my career...I say I am doing it for them, but am I?? Then theres this guy I live with....tall, dark, handsome...I cant remember his name. Anyways, he's great and I miss him a lot too with my new schedule. I want to be super girlfriend, make delicious meals, have my hair brushed on a regular basis, wear matching socks...you know look all "hot" for him. He has been MORE than supportive. We joke that he's the wife now, even though he works 40++ hours a week..he's just so much more ....uhh..BETTER than me...what the -----...seriously this pisses me off. I get so annoyed how he wakes up in a good mood, and the kids are all "I'm hungry, whats for breakfast, wheres my lunch...theres no clean underwear" and he is so NICE to them. I usually mumble things about all of them under my breath...I wish I had an ounce of his patience. He's a good dad..and a good boyfriend. He has really been holding down the fort. I dont do well with waiting...I dont like to "be patient"...but I guess I have no choice. I am losing sight of what I am trying to achieve...and that is finishing what I started and being more than a mommy, a girlfriend, a student or an employee. Its really not about a title or being great at anything, but doing my best at each things in my life and I am doing that.