Friday, April 27, 2012

guilty....

I should be posting this under a new blog titled: "Busier me...the story of a woman who enjoys stressing the hell out of herself and the people around her" As I have stated time and time again I am pretty busy, but I have now seemed to cram more into my hectic schedule and today is one of those days that I want to pull the blanket up over my head and shout "GO AWAY!!" to everyone. Student, employee, mommy, partner...I want to be great at all of those things but I feel pretty mediocre at each. I HATE school but for some reason I have always wanted to be a student. I dream that I am back in high school on a regular basis, the school supply isle makes my heart race and I almost always buy an absurd amount of pencils and notebooks. I have registered at too many colleges and changed career paths so many times that it looks more like a roundabout than a path. My biggest education accomplish is finishing the skin care program and now "sticking through" massage. I do not feel "educated". My daughter corrected my pronunciation of a word last night when I was administering her practice spelling test...she's 8...she's smarter than me. I wish I could be OK with this. I LOVE working, always have. I have had... no lie... over 20 jobs and I'm not yet 30. I love the idea of being part of a team, and the opportunity to shine within a group....yet I suck at sports...strange. I have been told that I am a "great employee"...however I get board very easily (hence the five children, if one is not entertaining I just play with a different one). I recently starting working at a spa, I have been going strong for a long 2 weeks, I say long because I am working 4 days a week after school and every other Saturday. I love the concept of the business and could learn a lot and eventually build a great clientele, however this cuts into my next topic...being a mommy. Because I am working almost every day I do not get home until about 8 pm every night...except Wednesdays because Kaylee and Brooke have drama (an actual class, aside from their real life drama). My long term goal is not to work while my kids are home, however I need to get my foot in and earn that privilege. A lot of people that go into my industry say they are going to set their own hours, work when it is convenient for them. This does not happen immediately. You need to have clients first and then IF you are good enough that people will plan their schedule around yours, THEN you may be able to have more flexibility. I am well aware that it takes time to have the upper hand in any career. So my plan was to work my butt off while I am in school (8 more months...8 more months....I can do it...) and hopefully once I am done have a better schedule that fits around my family. However this process is much more guilt ridden than planned. I have to convince my self every night not to rob a pet store on my way home from work (because lets be honest I'm not actually making "real" money yet) and bring each kid a puppy and a lollipop the size of their heads. I miss them so much....that usually wears off once I get the behavior report...but for that long car ride home they remain little angels in my mind. I feel selfish trying to build my career...I say I am doing it for them, but am I?? Then theres this guy I live with....tall, dark, handsome...I cant remember his name. Anyways, he's great and I miss him a lot too with my new schedule. I want to be super girlfriend, make delicious meals, have my hair brushed on a regular basis, wear matching socks...you know look all "hot" for him. He has been MORE than supportive. We joke that he's the wife now, even though he works 40++ hours a week..he's just so much more ....uhh..BETTER than me...what the -----...seriously this pisses me off. I get so annoyed how he wakes up in a good mood, and the kids are all "I'm hungry, whats for breakfast, wheres my lunch...theres no clean underwear" and he is so NICE to them. I usually mumble things about all of them under my breath...I wish I had an ounce of his patience. He's a good dad..and a good boyfriend. He has really been holding down the fort. I dont do well with waiting...I dont like to "be patient"...but I guess I have no choice. I am losing sight of what I am trying to achieve...and that is finishing what I started and being more than a mommy, a girlfriend, a student or an employee. Its really not about a title or being great at anything, but doing my best at each things in my life and I am doing that.

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