less is more...work

This week has been insane...IN SANE. Its finally Sunday, and I am trying to recover, get things done and relax? (I'm not sure if that's how you pronounce the word) July is a busy month over all for us, two of our girls have birthdays - a day apart. Usually we do a joint party. This year they protested, and made it clear that they are two separate (aka expensive)children. I love birthdays, but more so I LOVE parties. I love throwing them, attending them,and if I had the balls would crash one. They make me happy. I am that mom that gets very excited when an invite comes home, and will do my best to attend (and possibly bring my child, if they haven't gotten on my nerves that day). I am also that mom that will spend entirely too much, time, money and energy on a 2 hour party that most will not remember. My oldest daughters first birthday included ponies and a bounce house, and the years that followed all had themes - including a "low key" carnival. My son's 2nd birthday was an embarrassingly expensive waste of money. I (like many parents) use my children's birthday as an excuse to throw my dream party. This time I decided I would do things on a smaller scale...no rentals, crazy decor, expensive cakes, or piles of food. First up was my younger daughter. She decided that she wanted to invite a few friends to trillion dollar bear...I mean build-a-bear at the mall. This cute (evil) store where you can stuff your own bear, bunny, cat or other random animal and then dress it in nicer clothes than I own. I was literally jealous of a stuffed bunnies shoes... I allowed her to invite 5 friends, she lost 1 invitation and out of the four girls only 2 RSVPED. I can handle 3 girls...I handle 4 on a daily basis. This was actually starting to sound fun for me (I know its all about me, I cant help it - I LOVE BIRTHDAYS) I was also excited about the fact that because I was allowing children that were not mine in my vehicle, I had an obligation (to their health) to clean my car. I work much better under pressure. I also had to "clean" the down stairs of my house, which consisted of cramming as much as I could into any cabinets, drawers and closets that didnt already have crap crammed in them. I even baked the cake myself to save on costs, I was determined to take it easy for this party. The cake fell apart when I flipped it over, BUT with A LOT of frosting I was able to save it. The morning of the party I showed my daughter her cake..."where's the toy?" she asked. Apparently the Pillsbury box I got didn't come with a toy. I felt guilty. I told her I would go to the store and get something to put on top. She requested a monster high theme. I got in the car to go to the store, turned on the a/c and HOT air starts blowing. HOT AIR. I was not happy. I get to the store and of course they dont have anything even close to this monster high theme that I almost thought was made up. I had to call my 6 year old to get approval for a different theme...this took several minutes and a lot of negotiating. I get home a little while before her friends should be arriving. One friend came and then a little while later the other girls mom called and said she was at the mall...so we headed out...with the windows down. Before we got to build a bear I had a budget in my head. I will let each girl pick an inexpensive bear, and one outfit. Then we will go to lunch, and head home for cake. That didnt happen. I let the girls pick whatever they wanted, (including underwear for the stuffed animals...because stuffed animal need underwear...and shoes of course), lunch was more than I anticipated, we had to go on the merry-go-round, and how could I say no to a little candy on the way out?? The trip to the mall was pretty expensive. The ride home was HOT. We got to the house and the girls ate (very little) cake, and played for hours. I had told the girls moms that I would bring them home around 6, when James got home from work. 6 rolled around and he wasnt home, he was running late. Thankfully the girls were being super well behaved and didn't want to leave, their parents didn't seem to mind either. I couldn't leave until James got home, I wouldn't have been able to fit my children plus 2 extra in my van...yes a van is too small sometimes. He finally got home (after a long week) and I loaded my daughter and her friends in the car. We turned down the first girls street and the gauges in my car started going nuts. Long story short...my car died. I still had one girl to drop off. The day pretty much went down hill from there. This was a typical end to a crazy week. I kept thinking that this "simple party" was a huge pain in the you know what and no less expensive than the parties that I usually throw. But there was a difference, my daughter LOVED it. She loved the special time she got without all of her siblings around, she loved her overpriced stuffed animal, she loved the 2 friends that were able to make it, and I think she even loved the excitement of driving with the wind blowing her hair all over the place and later breaking down. It was HER perfect day. So maybe less is sometimes more, but I would do it all over again...well if I was going back in time I would have gotten the car fixed...but everything else I would do again. In a few weeks we are celebrating my other daughters July birthday...she is having a slumber party... I am sure that will be a (beautiful) disaster :)

distance makes...a happy family :)

The kids are home and my house is back to being chaotically wonderful. I missed the little boogers way more than usual. Maybe because I am a stay at home mom again, with them not here it was as if my employees were on strike. Usually I stall when its time to pick them up, or suggest that they get one last day with their (more patient than me) grandparents...but this time I couldn't get them back in my arms fast enough. We got home on Tuesday and met daddy for pizza at our favorite restaurant, which was like any other meal out - loud, messy and involved several trips to the bathroom. Normally I would have lost my patience but that night was different. After dinner we all watched the NBA finals...again out of the norm for my liking but it was refreshingly enjoyable. The girls were really into the game and it made me chuckle that one of the girls kept referring to the team as "the heats". Yesterday the kids played at home for most of the day while I got done all of the chores that I planned on doing during my "staycation". We made the "dreaded" trip to the grocery store, where I saved $45 and only spent $75 (if I cant brag here, where can I??) and everyone made it out a alive! Not that anyone ever actually dies on our grocery excursions...but it gets close! I usually threaten to take illogical things away, produce is violated, and 1 child is always missing from the routine "every isle head count". AND it just dawned on me that NO ONE asked for a cookie!! Which by the way grocery stores...PLEASE stop giving away cookies...it does not help speed things along, and God forbid I only bring one child with me to the store and she gets a cookie - I have to hear about it for a week!! If you wanna be "friendly" start giving away scholarships, that would be extremely helpful :) Dinner was later than usual last night but that was OK because its summer. We grilled sweet n sour chicken and veggie skewers in the rain (DELISH!!),...the dog got wet and tracked mud all over the floors that I had washed earlier in the day, the baby spilled an entire cup of tea at dinner and 2 of the girls cried because they "didn't like" the food that in a few minutes they would devour. After dinner (and several "reminders" to put on PJs and brush their teeth) the kids and I continued to read "the witches" (which we started a month ago) while my daughter had no concept of personal space and felt the need to rest her head in my rib cage...I know she was trying to "snuggle" but she is an unknowingly strong child and brings new meaning to the term "bear hug". The night ended with the kids wanting to sleep in a closet and me shockingly obliging. I think if nothing else the time away from the kids gave my patience a "recharge". We will see how long it lasts...I have a feeling I will be calling the grandparents for another visit in the near future :)

Happier Holiday

Fathers day used to be a day that I didn't enjoy. It was a day that made me sad, not for myself but for my child. I have a wonderful father who has always been there for me, and is a shining example of what all men should be like. He was also a huge part of my daughters life and tried to fill that gap as much as possible. Most of the time I thought nothing of my daughter lacking someone to call "dad". I was proud of how she was raised and didn't feel as though she was missing anyone. Fathers day however, was the one day of the year that I felt sorry for her, and maybe myself a little. It was a day that reminded me that sometimes children are born into unfair circumstances. I knew that one day I would not resent the holiday that was meant to honor the fathers that care, provide, teach and cherish their children. Some day my daughter would make a card that said "Happy Fathers Day Dad" and have one of her own to give it to. That someday happened 4 fathers days ago, but it becomes more special each year. I hear my daughter refer to her "dad" and watch a bond grow between two people that I love very much. It cant be forced and it will be a relationship that is unique to them. Its something that I could never provide her and am so very thankful that HE can. The children are still on vacation - I will pick them up tomorrow and we will celebrate Fathers day together this week. They all called this morning, but I would be lying if I didnt say how excited I was that my (biological)daughter called first...followed up with an immediate phone call from the rest. The feeling of knowing that she thought of him on this day gives me comfort because that means she is celebrating fathers day.

Crazy loves Company

My children have been away with their grandparents for 4 days...my house is very quiet. There is no one here to feed, clean up after, entertain, or reprimand. I am bored out of my mind. Sure James and I have been able to dine out every meal, sleep in and use inappropriate language in our "outside voices" but there is no chaos. No Crazy. I think I love crazy... Up until my crew went on vacation I thought I was having a nervous break down...I NEEDED peace and quiet. I was counting down the seconds until I would be driving my minivan less the mini's. I could not wait to get home and accomplish things. Little did I know that all I really needed was a few drinks and a long nap. I have accomplished close to nothing since I have cut my ties with responsibility. I have a mental list of "to-dos" that mostly consists of cleaning, organizing, and running errands, a very similar list of things that I do when I'm not on vacation. I guess because James is still working this week, I feel a little guilty. I would throw a house party, but its my own house and that means I would have to clean up...plus between me, James and our handful of friends, I don't think we could "kill a keg". I also have a feeling that my idea of a party would not be considered "cool". Is this what people do with their time away from their children?? I've never had a problem enjoying time away from my children in the past...maybe my children are becoming...more enjoyable! Regardless I have 4 days left without them. I am going to try to embrace this time and appreciate it. I should just go hang out at a park and watch other parents be stressed out...that sounds fun.

Just a mom... is more than enough

Tonight is one of those nights that I will consume wine, possibly an entire bottle. My children have driven me crazy today...and I am not using the term loosely, I mean literally crazy. Today, they have each proven to me that when I ask the question “are you deaf?”…the answer IS yes, they cannot hear me. It is clear, because my perfect children would never intentionally ignore me…I better schedule them each a full physical because I am pretty sure they have vision problems as well…they can NEVER find the hamper, flusher on the toilet or sink….poor angels. Why am I so stressed you ask?? Let me explain…. In my last post I described the lack of passion that I had for massage, which lead to my decision to “retire” from school…I am having a hard time with the word quit. Although I enjoyed working, making 8 dollars an hour, far less than my babysitter makes and barely enough to fill up my gas tank, wasn’t exactly logical. I wanted to have a career, but instead I wound up right back in the same place as I was before I ventured on my educational, success seeking, stress increasing journey…at home. So I am once again a full time…mom, which is more than enough. I think I am actually, FINALLY, realizing that being a mom is a job. A real, hard, non-paying job…kind of like community service. I have been home now for a few weeks, and so far going to school and working was a much easier task. My 2 year old is intimidating, my 5 year old is a boarder line genius (I can say that because she isn’t biologically mine), my 6 year old is Sassy McSassy Pants and my 8 year olds think they “don’t need me” …oh and my dog…he’s kind of a jerk (don’t worry we still love him)…it’s a scary house to live in. I will be home with the kids all summer…and am praying that we can all make it unharmed…I mostly fear for myself. The good news is that I will have PLENTY to blog about. I am sure I will have entertaining stories and pondering thoughts to share :) But for now I am going to pour some wine…so cheers to my fellow moms…and all the other hard workers out there – whatever your stresses may be.

passion = success

I drove to South Florida on Saturday night with my mom for a friends baby shower. On Sunday I drove back to Tampa alone...Its amazing how much thinking one can do in a 4 hour car ride. Thinking almost always causes change in my life...either change of opinion or change of plans...I think this is a very normal thing, except I should probably do the thinking first and then the decision or opinion making. My last post was about the guilt I was feeling while trying to be the "best" at several things. Over the weekend I was in a few situations that made me more aware of my current life choices. One was a conversation with my mom, we were talking about the importance of having a job that works well for your family, and more specifically your children. She started telling me about when we first moved to Florida, I was 8 and my brothers a few years older, she wanted to find a job close to our schools and be able to get home in time for dinner and to help us with our homework. As she was telling the story, my mind began to drift...I started thinking back to when I was younger and how I knew my mom worked but I never thought of her as not being there. She had several jobs, sometimes 2 at a time, and even went back to school herself but she balanced it all so well. She wasn't the room mom, but she planned birthday parties, shlepped us to and from activities and always had our days jam packed with fun and usually yummy meals. She recognized every occasion and I'm almost positive invented a few holidays of her own. That thought was so comforting, it reassured me that taking an opportunity to have a successful career is OK and that balancing everything is possible. It also reminded me that my mom is wonder woman and I probably wont be as amazing. The next situation was more of a "realization". I have been in massage therapy for a little over 2 months, at 2 different schools...and since the first week of classes I have not been passionate about it. The last post I said that I wanted to finish what I started, and that even though I didn't want to be in school I was going to stick it out. I didn't want to be a quitter, or for anyone to think I couldnt handle everything on my plate. As I drove home last night I thought about the upcoming week and how much of my time was being dedicated to each area in my life. The only thing I wasnt thrilled about was the time I was applying towards school. I thought about how I enjoyed being at work, with the kids and with James. I thought about how the things in my life that I am most passionate about are the things that I am most successful at. I don't enjoy the time that I am in school for, because I lack passion for it. So instead of wasting my time and feeling guilty, I am going to focus on what I do like, and what I am good at. I am an esthetician, that is what I am passionate about. My realization was that whatever I do, I have to want to be doing it. I would rather quit and focus on what will make me happy than do something because I think its the right thing to be or have. I spend too much time thinking about what I could be doing, or could have later, instead of focusing on the opportunities in front of me and what I actually enjoy. So I am scratching student off of my list and making more time for the things that will bring me overall success. My mom was always passionate about her career, her family and everything else she was successful at, I guess thats how she did it all so well. Makes sense now...

guilty....

I should be posting this under a new blog titled: "Busier me...the story of a woman who enjoys stressing the hell out of herself and the people around her" As I have stated time and time again I am pretty busy, but I have now seemed to cram more into my hectic schedule and today is one of those days that I want to pull the blanket up over my head and shout "GO AWAY!!" to everyone. Student, employee, mommy, partner...I want to be great at all of those things but I feel pretty mediocre at each. I HATE school but for some reason I have always wanted to be a student. I dream that I am back in high school on a regular basis, the school supply isle makes my heart race and I almost always buy an absurd amount of pencils and notebooks. I have registered at too many colleges and changed career paths so many times that it looks more like a roundabout than a path. My biggest education accomplish is finishing the skin care program and now "sticking through" massage. I do not feel "educated". My daughter corrected my pronunciation of a word last night when I was administering her practice spelling test...she's 8...she's smarter than me. I wish I could be OK with this. I LOVE working, always have. I have had... no lie... over 20 jobs and I'm not yet 30. I love the idea of being part of a team, and the opportunity to shine within a group....yet I suck at sports...strange. I have been told that I am a "great employee"...however I get board very easily (hence the five children, if one is not entertaining I just play with a different one). I recently starting working at a spa, I have been going strong for a long 2 weeks, I say long because I am working 4 days a week after school and every other Saturday. I love the concept of the business and could learn a lot and eventually build a great clientele, however this cuts into my next topic...being a mommy. Because I am working almost every day I do not get home until about 8 pm every night...except Wednesdays because Kaylee and Brooke have drama (an actual class, aside from their real life drama). My long term goal is not to work while my kids are home, however I need to get my foot in and earn that privilege. A lot of people that go into my industry say they are going to set their own hours, work when it is convenient for them. This does not happen immediately. You need to have clients first and then IF you are good enough that people will plan their schedule around yours, THEN you may be able to have more flexibility. I am well aware that it takes time to have the upper hand in any career. So my plan was to work my butt off while I am in school (8 more months...8 more months....I can do it...) and hopefully once I am done have a better schedule that fits around my family. However this process is much more guilt ridden than planned. I have to convince my self every night not to rob a pet store on my way home from work (because lets be honest I'm not actually making "real" money yet) and bring each kid a puppy and a lollipop the size of their heads. I miss them so much....that usually wears off once I get the behavior report...but for that long car ride home they remain little angels in my mind. I feel selfish trying to build my career...I say I am doing it for them, but am I?? Then theres this guy I live with....tall, dark, handsome...I cant remember his name. Anyways, he's great and I miss him a lot too with my new schedule. I want to be super girlfriend, make delicious meals, have my hair brushed on a regular basis, wear matching socks...you know look all "hot" for him. He has been MORE than supportive. We joke that he's the wife now, even though he works 40++ hours a week..he's just so much more ....uhh..BETTER than me...what the -----...seriously this pisses me off. I get so annoyed how he wakes up in a good mood, and the kids are all "I'm hungry, whats for breakfast, wheres my lunch...theres no clean underwear" and he is so NICE to them. I usually mumble things about all of them under my breath...I wish I had an ounce of his patience. He's a good dad..and a good boyfriend. He has really been holding down the fort. I dont do well with waiting...I dont like to "be patient"...but I guess I have no choice. I am losing sight of what I am trying to achieve...and that is finishing what I started and being more than a mommy, a girlfriend, a student or an employee. Its really not about a title or being great at anything, but doing my best at each things in my life and I am doing that.