first comes life, then comes love

First comes (lots of) babies, then comes marriage.

Wait isn't it first comes love, then comes marriage...then something about a baby carriage?

Whatever the saying, as of about 2 months ago, I am officially a married woman!

And in my case,  life came before love. 

My husband and I have been in a relationship for a little over 6 years.  In our time together we have merged our families into one, created a baby, bought our first home, started a business and most recently got married. 

I remember when I was a teenager and I wanted be "in love", I wanted to be swept off of my feet and have butterflies in my stomach. This sounds magical, and its what is portrayed to us in movies, books, on TV and all over social media.  The image of romance that everyone wants and feels they deserve is plastered everywhere.

The love my husband and I share has grown tremendously in the time that we have been together, but we did not fall in love "at first sight" like in some fairytale. 

When I first met my husband, I was a single mom.  I also became a mother figure to his 3 little girls, who had lost their mother a year earlier.  It was my first time ever playing "house".  I had never been a wife, I had never even moved out of my parents house.  I wanted to be married. 

After I got pregnant with our son, I wanted marriage even more.  I thought having a husband would make life better.  I thought being married would mean I had found "true love".

I couldn't have been more wrong.

Our relationship took time to grow into love, and every experience that we had together bonded us into a stronger couple. 

I am not endorsing having children with a person and then seeing if love happens between you.  I am however implying that pursuing love without expecting there to be instant fireworks may prove to be more a affective approach.

We live in an instagram world, with social media play by plays of our favorite celebrities, sports teams, political leaders or whatever topic that peaks our interest.  We expect what we want, exactly when we want it, with as little of our own time committed as possible.

Love takes time. I can honestly say that I love my children deeper today than when they were first born.  I loved them immensely when they were infants, but through watching them grow into individuals with their own quirks, strengths, and goals I have gained an affection that only time could reveal. 

I once knew a man from another country who said Americans use the word "love" too loosely.  He argued that we say we love food, material objects and other things that aren't logically loveable.  I was in my early 20's and thought that statement was so harsh.   I remember thinking, "But love is good"

Love is good, but I think what my friend meant was that we can be happy without love.

I believe that love doesn't create happiness, happiness creates love.

I of course, love my husband, more today than the first time that I said I loved him, I would not be as in love as I am without the time that we have had together, without living life together and allowing our happiness to create love.

memorable moments

Our family spent Thanksgiving in a hotel this year, a first for all of us.  Two of our daughters were in a cheerleading competition the Friday after turkey day, which required them to be awake and functioning at an illogical hour - so instead of getting up way too early and driving the morning of the competition,  we decided to use the opportunity to make a mini vacation.

We haven't taken a lot of family trips, mostly because of our schedules being already slam packed - oh and that fact that we have too many children to ever take advantage of family deals, yet not enough to qualify for a  group discount.

Also, traveling with 5 children is  a lot of work...unless you have 6 children, then its a piece of cake - or if you have multiple nannies, and your own tour bus...that sounds awesome.  Unfortunately we don't have either of those things, all we have is a van, with a tiny TV (that is NOT a TV, its a DVD player...which means I cannot "change the channel" - so stop asking kids!) and a broken remote control.

This time it seemed appropriate to take the children - I was going regardless, the discounted rate at the hotel was undeniable.  After all, it was their competition not mine (I was told this several time when trying to practice with them...) so I guess they had to come.  Oh yeah, and it was thanksgiving.

We made reservations at a shmancy fancy restaurant for Thanksgiving dinner, invited both grandmothers and had a few other surprises planned. 

I spent entirely too much time doing an AWFUL job packing the morning that we were scheduled to leave for our vaca...I think I had convinced myself that there would be a closet full of new clothes at the hotel - because I barely packed enough clean underwear for everyone.

We hit the road by noon Wednesday and made it to the hotel not too shortly after that.  The hotel, actually a resort,  was beautiful, 4 pools, several places to eat, 2 lobbies (which still doesn't make sense to me) , an arcade!! It really was fantastic.

The first thing my kids had to do was go swimming.  Regardless of the fact that it was 50 degrees outside.  Their dad took them down stairs, while I did all the guests a favor by not putting my bikini on.  I watched them through the window from the room, jumping into the pool and then running to the hot tub. They spent a good amount of time down there.  When they came back up, one of my girls had a huge gash on her nose.  I asked what happened, she said, that she had her eyes closed and didn't realize how shallow the pool was, scraping her face against the floor - ouch...and eww.  She had a competition the next day - hopefully they didn't take points off for appearance.

That night we decided to go downtown for dinner.  There is a permanant production of cirque du soleil in that area, which I had seen 10 years earlier when I was pregnant with my oldest daughter.  James surprised all of us by purchasing tickets to see the show while we were there.

While watching the show, I couldn't help but feel a little nostalgic.  My oldest sat a row in front of me with my mom and her two sisters, my son and youngest daughter were on either side of me.  I watched my children more than the stage.  I loved seeing their faces light up, the seriousness of their brow line, and the whispers of surprise and amazement.  I too felt those feelings, but for them.  It overwhelmed me to think of myself sitting their 10 years earlier and being at the end of my childhood- only 18 at the time.  Now as I sat there with my children, I felt the same joy, through them, and five times more significant. 

After we left, I asked the kids what they thought, they told me their favorite parts and how their grandma kept telling them to "listen to the music" - which they were trying to do...but she kept interrupting.  We laughed...and it felt wonderful to share that moment with them.

The next day, we had Thanksgiving dinner at a resturaunt not intended for children, after removing the 16 glasses and 8 steak knives from the table, my brood was on their best behavior. The food was delicious, and the service top notch.  It was another experience that I hoped my children would later appreciate.

On Friday the girls had their competition, which lasted 5 hours...no no they didn't cheer for 5 hours, their actual performance was literally two and a half minutes - however awards are at the END of the competition.  It was a long day.  They didn't place in the top five, which I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little relieved for cheerleading season to officially be over now.

One of my girls took it pretty hard, luckily we had another surprise planned for that night, which would hopefully take her mind off of the loss.

My son's birthday was the week before and we decided to celebrate it on our trip. 

We had made reservations to a pirate dinner show (our family really likes to eat...and my son likes pirates...win win).  James purchased the "VIP" package for us that night, which included front row seats, interaction with the pirates, and special attention for the birthday boy.

When we arrived to dinner, we were swept away to a private room, filled with appetizers, a bar and a pirate who mingled with us.  It was very "VIPish".  James was asked to volunteer for the pre-dinner show, and was lead backstage.  As the pre-dinner show started, we all waited with cameras out for his big debut...but he never came out.  Even as we were walking into the dining room for dinner, he was M.I.A.  A server lead us to our seat, less James.  The server sat the children and their grandmothers front and center, and then showed me to my seat...away from the family!  I was livid...James was still missing.   Finally James appeared at the table, explaining that they had forgotten about him backstage, hence not including him in the show.  That was strike two...I was furious.  We got up to speak with the manager, and explained how they had separated our family - to the point that I could not even see my children, and kept James backstage for 30 minutes, missing out on part of the experience.  The manager was very apologetic, bought us a round, moved us closer together and ended up refunding half of our money.

The show starts,  I feel a lot better now, being able to at least see my children's faces.  The show is really bad....they tried tying Christmas in with pirates, with a horrible plot about a magical treasure chest and there was this female elf - Pixy, who was...well..."talented", she climbed the ropes with no hands...I'm pretty sure, her sole purpose was to entertain the dads in the audience.  As James and I are making innaproraite jokes, I look to see my children's reactions...they are completely enthralled.  They are all wearing pirate hates and the girls are singing pirate songs, my son is pointing at the ship and making gestures about going up on the stage.

Dinner is served next.  There is a woman with a cart dishing out steak, green beans and carrots.  When I say one of the grossest meals I have ever eaten, I am not exaggerating.   It was that bad.  My kids ate it all up, hoping for dessert and wishing to be part of the show.  Their wish was soon granted as a pirate came over and ushered them all up a ramp onto the prop ship. My son needed a little pep talk from his daddy, but once he was told that it was OK, he ran after his sisters, up the ramp as well.   They were given another opportunity later in the show to go on stage, and this time no pep talk was needed.

After dinner,  my son was presented with a "real" pirate hat and a birthday cake - which was rock solid frozen..and it wasn't icecream cake....he mostly licked it.

When the show was over, we had the opportunity to take pictures with the cast, which included santa...weird, yes...exciting for my kids though.  We then went into another room with a DJ, where we did the chacha slide, and someone stole my sons hat off of his head...don't worry though, we got him a new one.

Overall the night was, strange.  I personally would never recommend the place to anyone, but if you asked my kids, it was the highlight of their vacation.

Forget the 5 star resort we stayed at, the once in a life time restaurant, or the multi-million dollar - world famous cirque du soleil act that we took them too.  Their favorite moment was being on a pirate ship, and taking a picture with (a very poor attempt at) some guy dressed as santa.  And swimming....regardless of any injury, swimming is always thoroughly enjoyed.

Kids don't know better..for their own good.  They enjoy things that are worth enjoying,  and can't really appreciate a dollar amount.  We try to provide them with great stuff, when all they need is great moments. I am sure they will look back when they are older and say "wow we did some nice things", but more importantly they found the fun in the less nice, the less luxurious, and the company in which they had.  I am proud of my children, and a little disappointed in myself.  For a moment, I forgot that it isn't what we do, it's who we do it with, that makes a moment magical.

I hope you all made memories this Thanksgiving!

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Looking back, and moving forward

Tomorrow my son will turn 3.  My life has changed tremendously since getting pregnant with my my little guy.

A little over 4 years ago, I was a single mom, with one daughter...a different kind of mom.

I balanced things such as school, work,  and motherhood, and somehow still managed a social life.  I had been raising my daughter with the help of my family, for 5 years.  I embraced being a young, single mother...I loved it.  I loved being the "boss"....and knew that whatever I thought was in her best interest, was the path that we would take.  One on one time was our normal daily conversations, riding in the car or bath time, it wasn't something that was sought after, it was just there.

I met James over the holidays in 2008.  I was ready for a serious relationship, but I had no idea how serious we were about to get.

I still remember telling my friends that he was a widower with 3 little girls, and their jaws hitting the floor.  I had a "back up" plan for our first date, a party that a friend had invited me to, but we got along so well - with the help of a few "adult beverages"- that I invited him to the party with me.

 The next few months flew by, we introduced the children, faster than I ever imagined I would be doing so. All the girls got along, and it felt like every second we were all spending time as a "family".

When we found out that I was pregnant, we officially merged as one family.

It was my first time living on my own, away from my parents.

It was my daughters first real big change in 5 years.

The first year was so hard.  I missed the parent I used to be.  I wasn't the "boss" anymore, it wasn't just what I thought was right, it was what "we" thought was right.  My "young" daughter was now the oldest of 4 girls, and I had a difficult time grasping why they weren't all on the same page.   I had grown each year and learned to adapt to my daughters age, now I also had a 2,3, and 4 year old to adapt to. 

Being pregnant was harder than the first time, and with 4 kids in tow, it was beyond exhausting.

When my son was born, he was that missing piece of pie...he completed us.

The next year was even harder than the first, the baby got all of my attention, I had to protect him from the others...there were so many hands that wanted to touch, tickle and hold him.  He was (and still is) a very loved little boy.

We moved two more times from the time I got pregnant until my son was 2, the girls switched schools, and we went through a lot as a family.

I used to feel really bad, like I had lost who I used to be...so many things were changing, including me.

In  this last year, I have realized that while things have changed, it hasn't been a bad thing.  I have grown, and as my family grows we all change.

My one on one time with my first daughter, may not be as frequent, but it is still there, and cherished more than before.  I am a stay at home mom now, and though there are days that I wish I could go somewhere and interact with other adults, and have a reason to put on real clothes, I know that I am very lucky to be home with my children.

My priorities have changed,  I am a different mom.  I have lost some of who I used to be, but have gained so much more along the way.

The upcoming birthday of my son has shed so much light on my life now.  I still cannot believe I have 5 children.  My attention is shifting from the "baby" to my school aged children, and as each child goes through a different phase, so will I. 

I feel like my feet are finally planted, I am not spending so much time trying to plant my roots, and I can finally grow into who I am supposed to be.    

So while I am sad to see my son grow another year, become less of a baby and more of a child, I am so excited for his future, my future and my families future. 


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Life IS fair.

November is the time of year that most of us count our blessings, say what we are thankful for and try a little harder to appreciate the hand that we were dealt - or the cards that we were fortunate to not have been given.

We are more aware of our health, our home, our family and our friends.

Facebook is full of "gratitude", store isles feel more friendly and the public has an eagerness to give.

On thanksgiving we say thanks for a meal that is hot, huge and mostly very tasty!

 November, is personally the beginning of my favorite time of the year.

I love the next few months that follow, we have several family birthdays in those months as well as Christmas and a new year, with new opportunities.

I wish the feelings that were created by the holidays stayed within people all year round, but unfortunately we tend to go back to our usual ways by the time February rolls around.

This year has taught me more about myself, my family and life in general than any other years of my being.  I have been so thankful in the past few weeks, even as things have not been easy, made sense or felt "broken". 

This time last year, I was sad, lonely and confused.  I couldn't understand why my life was the way it had become.  I felt as though I had made the best decisions, but was facing the worst consequences.  If someone had told me that things would be OK, I would say no they would not.  If I had been shown a glimpse into my future that is now, I would think the wrong tape was rolling.

I have a tendency to think things are unfair, and that has shielded me from seeing the beauty in things that only happen as a result of something else.  I am thankful for the good that comes out of even the worst situations.


When my daughter was born, I thought it was unfair that she had no father.

As a result, my parents were extremely involved in her life, as well as mine.  Not having a father for the first few years of her life, provided us with an overwhelming amount of support from family and friends and to an extent, she became "everyone's child".

I think it is unfair that My 3 "step" daughters (I am only using the word step for story telling purposes)
lost their mother - and even though I never met her, I think its unfair that she passed away.

Although I would never want anyone to be lost or lose someone they that love, this woman created 3 beautiful children that I now get to be a part of.  I will forever be grateful to her for that.

When my relationship hit rock bottom, I thought it was unfair that we couldn't be happy together.
Without going through the things that we did, we wouldn't be able to be as strong as we are today.  Our love is more true than it has ever been, and we have a better appreciation for one another that we wouldn't have had without overcoming the obstacles that we did.

Recently, I have felt that it is unfair that we have not been granted the home, which we built.  The home that we put a lot of time and emotion into.  However, we have a home, a place to lay our heads, food in the fridge and family to love - and that is more than some can say.  Throughout the whole moving - or not moving process, our family has learned the importance of patience and being thankful for whatever you are able to have.  The emotional ups and downs of working with the builder, the mortgage company  and the school, has brought James and I closer, and has helped us learn to pick one another up.

I could give many examples of things that feel undeserved, I am sure we all have an equal amount of "why me?" moments in our life.

While I am thankful for the obvious, the things that go without saying, I am also thankful for the unknown, the unexpected and the unexplained.

After the holidays pass, I don't want to lose this feeling, I want to be as thankful in March, July or September, as I am right now.

Remember without rain, we would have no water, so be thankful always, even when life seems unfair.

A laughing matter

Yesterday was one of those days...you know "those" days.

Sometimes when my life is so unbelievably hectic, as in could not possibly be real, I MUST be dreaming, kind of unbelievably hectic, I can't help but just embrace it.

At the end of almost every day, when its quiet and all of my children have made it safely through the day, I think to my self "gee-golly today was busy"...yesterday I thought "HOLY HELL today was IN-FRIGGIN-SANE"

The morning started with one of the girls "getting sick" in the bathroom.  Which immediately makes me sick, because when you have multiple children, sharing bedrooms, a bathroom, clothes, most likely toothbrushes and other things that they will regret sharing later, you are bound to spread germs...its inevitable, when one gets sick, the rest always follow.

I kept sicky home from school, and sent the others off.

After some medicine, bananas, toast, gatorade and TV, my little one was stable enough to run errands with me...the errands were planned well before she was sick and I kept her in the air conditioned car most of the time.  The only person I exposed her "ickies" to was her 2 year old brother who decided to be overally affectionate that day, despite my pleads of "stop kissing your sick sister" and will likely be the first of the siblings to catch her bug.

I thought for sure a day of playing "nurse" and cleaning up messes (apparently when you are sick, you have no control over your extremities, therefor spilling or knocking down anything within 5 feet of you...this happened all day.) while packing for our move would be hectic enough of a day.

It was just the beginning. 

I picked up the others from school, all of whom slept on the car ride home, if you don't know..their school is almost an hour away.

After getting home, the littlest girl stumbled from our van directly to the couch.  I woke her up to do homework, but her response was mostly just high pitched whining...I couldn't deal, so I sent her up to her room.  When I went to check on her 10 minutes later, she was out like a light.  When I felt her, she was burning up.  Bad mom.  Sick kid #2 for the day.  I gave her some Tylonol and let her be.

Recap: 2 sick kids, 2 kids with a lot of homework, 1 kid who needs a lot of attention and has found a blue marker and is beginning to look like wild smurf, boxes EVERYWHERE, and a dog...my poor, forgotten dog (if anyone has middle child syndrome its him)

It gets better, the girls have cheerleading practice at 6...by their school...almost an hour away,

The babysitter comes to watch the sick ones and the smurf.

I take the two healthy girls to cheerleading...and get stuck in traffic, it took us an hour and 15 minutes to get there.

During practice I received a very stressful call regarding our new home, the closing date, and a bunch of "what ifs."  I already started packing...I'm moving...somewhere...lock your doors, if I know where you live, I may be coming for an extended stay.

The car ride home is where the hectic starts.

I actually could of handled everything else up until this point.

I hear "mommy the brush is stuck in my hair" coming from the back seat.  I look in my rearview.  "Stuck" is an understatement.  A hairbrush is growing out of my child's head.  I laugh..hard.  She cries.  I tell her I will get it out when we get home...in an hour.

I laugh a few more times when I catch a glmpse of her in the mirror...she laughs too, her sister laughs harder.. "brush-head" cries again.

On the ride home I realize that the baby (who is now home with daddy) is wearing his last diaper...almost immediately I recieve this text:

"Jacob is peeing everywhere!!!!"

OK, so he was wearing his last diaper...

I stop at the store to grab diapers, while in the parking lot I attempt to remove the brush from my daughters hair.  It is not happening.

We finally get home.  As soon as I walk through the door, I see my son standing at the top of the stairs, naked, with tears running down his face, he frantically says to me "Sowwy mommy, I peed on your shoes!!"

 I laughed...he cried more...I hugged him.

"Brush head" is now hysterically crying.  I perform emergency surgery and remove the object, she survives and is left with a slightly horrible haircut.

I sit down in the kitchen, by myself,  and laugh.  One of my daughters walks in the room and asks why I am laughing.  Her face lights up, as if to say "tell me the joke...I want in!"

I look at her and say "Some day, when you are a grown up, you will get it...you will laugh too sometimes"

She looks at me like I'm crazy (which I may be).

I could of cried, complained or been angry yesterday but I chose laughter, sometimes you just HAVE to :)


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Just going with the flow

Children rely on their parents to tell them what to do.  Their days are planned by us, and may change without them ever knowing.  They sometimes only know which day it is by their schedule of events, if they have soccer practice, a birthday party or school to attend.   Children don't have anywhere to be except where we bring them, or tell them they have to be.

Their lives are completely out of their hands.

As parents, we decide when, where and how.  Where we will live, when we will do things and how we will work out all the details.  Our children may affect our decisions, but really they just wait to be told what to do.  

Our family is moving, and going through many changes right now.  My boyfriend and I are the ones who are struggling to keep up, and having a hard time dealing with the chaos.  Our children are just going with the flow.

Attempting to pack is leaving our current home looking like an episode of hoarders and my 2 year old is forced to stay inside so I can get things done.  My daughters have had to make all new friends, again, this is the 4th school for my 9 year old and the 3rd for my 8 year old. 

I can only imagine that they are as equally exhausted as we, the adults, are.  Waking up early, going to bed late.  We have to drive almost an hour each way to the school that is close to our new home, factor in hours of homework, late night dinners, cheerleading practice 3 times a week, and football games that last all day on Saturdays and you've got a very hectic life for any child.

My patience is shorter than usual, and I feel as though I yell more than I talk.

This would be an excuse for any child to act out, do poorly in school, or just have a bad attitude.  This is also life...and my kids, if any, know this.

When I met my boyfriend, he had 3 little girls, and had lost his wife tragically a year before, and I was a single mother, with a fabulous family but never a "father" for my daughter. 

Since then we have merged into a family of 7, adding a baby boy that has helped form an even stronger bond between us.

Our children have gone from having less to more, built new relationships, attended new schools and were given new homes.

You never hear them complain.  They don't ask why often, or use the things that have happened as an excuse.  They just go with the flow.  They are happy, healthy, beautiful children.

I on the other hand do ask why, and I am sure my boyfriend does as well.  We both feel guilty sometimes, but always have the best of intentions.  We strive to give our children more, and can only hope that our hard work is providing that.

In a few weeks we will be in our new house, and my children will continue to do the things that they are "supposed to", because that is all they know.  They will have friends over to play in their new backyard, and sleep in later because their school will be just down the street.

I wish I could always take the burden of life off of my children, even into adulthood, but for now I am thankful that all they have to do is just go with the flow.


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